Here’s a promise that won’t be broken

Staff Writer
Story City Herald

—by Bill Haglund

So, am I the only one who’s fed up with all the political ads?

If we believe everything we hear, then there is absolutely nobody who’s fit to be elected. The way things have been going in the past several years, we probably don’t need anyone in Washington anyway – it’s been so long since anything’s been done. Government – at least what there is of government – is nonexistent.

Here’s an idea.

Send me to Congress.

I promise I won’t ruffle any feathers. I won’t introduce any legislation and I’ll simply vote “no” on any new proposed legislation that crosses my desk. I’ll show up for every vote (at least when I feel like it, or when I’m not having lunch or dinner with one of my well-to-do constituents – his treat, of course). And, I promise I will remain inactive, even if it means our government will shut down.

And, I solemnly promise that I will serve only one term. I won’t seek re-election. One term ought to let me sock enough money away to live out my remaining years in comfort. Besides, I won’t have to worry about health care any longer.

I’ll make you another promise, too. I won’t buy any new cars – none. So, I won’t be a burden to any of the manufacturers who are forced to recall defective models. Are there any these days that aren’t defective in one way or another?

I’ll go out and find my old 1955 Chevrolet, or my ’58 Impala convertible, or even either of the two Corvair models I once owned. Even those, called “the most dangerous car ever made” by Ralph Nader, never went back to the factory for a recall. I’d like to have that 1960 Corvette back, too. There are probably still some good miles left, even though it was put through the drag race test more than any car should ever endure.

While I’m in the mood of making promises, here’s another one.

I will take a solemn oath that I will not, under any circumstances, become a Big 12 football official. I have only one good eye and this defibrillator/pacemaker in my chest really won’t allow me to run up and down the field anyway.

Everyone knows you need two good eyes to officiate a football game on any level. You have to be on top of your game at all times. With 60,000 or more people watching your every move and many more than that watching every call you make over and over again on television, you have to be on your toes at all times.

That is, unless you’re called upon to officiate an Iowa State football game.

Blindness, in that case, is almost a pre-requisite.

Sign me up.

And, vote for me. Write in my name … it’s spelled B-I-L-L H-A-G …

If elected, I promise to overturn any fines levied against any Iowa State official for comments made about football (or basketball, or …) officials.

Jamie Pollard, for sure, doesn’t need our financial support to pay any fines he’s given for comments made about officiating. But, if we all send him a dollar, he’d no doubt receive enough of them to pay the fine.

It might even send a message to the Big 12.

(Bill Haglund is a retired staff writer for the Dallas County News and Boone News-Republican. He can be reached at bhaglund13@msn.com.)